Editor’s note: This is the conclusion of a two-part series on anger by David Powlison of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. In part one last week, Powlison discussed the difference between right anger and wrong anger. This conclusion is part of a new partnership between FamilyLife, CCEF, and New Growth Press to present a number of new, solidly-biblical articles and resources on mental and emotional issues like anger, depression, grief, and attention deficit disorder—some of the difficult issues we face in marriage and with our children.   

God’s ways of dealing with wrong are wonderful and surprising, combining firmness with gentleness, honesty with forgiveness. But how do you put them into practice? How do you learn to let go of your wrong anger and express just anger constructively? The Apostle Paul offers practical help in his letter to the Ephesians. He has this to say about handling your anger:

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 4:29-5:2 

Paul starts by telling us how not to express our anger. First, he says we are not to keep to ourselves and brood (“put away bitterness”). Second, he says we are not to go to the other person and dump our anger (“wrath and anger”). Finally, we shouldn’t go to others who aren’t involved and gossip (“clamor and slander”).

So, if you can’t stuff your anger, or blow up, or gossip, what’s left? You have to go to God for help. As you go to Him, you will learn how to think through your angry reactions, how to go to other people in such a way that you’re actually asking for help, and how to go to the other person in a way that’s constructive. Your anger will be transformed when you understand deep in your heart how God, in Christ, treats you. God’s patience, mercy, forgiveness, and loving confrontation will only become real in your life as your relationship with Him grows. Start with an honest meeting with God.

Here are five questions to ask yourself, and then one thing you need to do that will direct your honest meeting with God.   

1. What is happening around me when I get angry? What pushes your buttons? Think of specific times when you become angry. Make a list of the last five times you got angry, or keep track of the next five times. Describe what was going on around you. Now look back at the ways your anger went wrong. Sort out your list into the different ways that anger can go either wrong or right. 

When did you get angry at something that doesn’t really matter in God’s world? When did you get angry because you had made a good thing more important than God? And, when did you get angry because you were truly wronged?

2. How do I act when I get angry? Look at your list and write down what you do when your anger goes wrong. Do you express your anger in bitterness (stuffing your anger)? In arguing (in expressing your anger freely to those around you)? In slander (gossiping and talking about those who have wronged you)?   Or in some combination of all three? 

Be detailed in your description of how your wrongful anger gets expressed. Were there any times when anger actually was an expression of love, not hate, and was expressed constructively?

3. What were my expectations (what did I want, need, demand) when I became angry? Examining your motives brings God into the discussion, because it reveals what hijacked God’s place in your heart. Your answer will show you where you need God’s help the most. This will take your focus off the circumstances that were the occasion for your anger and help you to think about why you believed you had a right to be angry and had a right to express your anger in the way you did.

4. What message does God have for me, in His word, that will speak to my anger?  Think back to what James says about the cause of anger. We get sinfully angry when we forget that God, not us, is in charge of the world. If you remember that this is God’s kingdom and not yours, the way you deal with your anger will be hugely affected. When you add to that an understanding of your real sins, then you will also see how God, in Christ, is tender-hearted and forgiving to you. Your anger will be transformed.

Remembering the height, the depth, the width, and the length of God’s love and mercy toward you will put your circumstances and your angry response in the right perspective. Meditating on your need for mercy and God’s forgiveness will remind you that no matter what is making you angry, it’s so much less than what you have been given in Christ. 

Turn to the God who loves you and tell Him all about what is making you angry. Name your suffering, your expectations, your desires, your sins, and all the evil you see and do, and bring yourself to the One who suffered and died for you.

God has given us the Book of Psalms so that we have many different ways of talking with God about the things that really matter to us. Some psalms speak to God about our sins (Psalms 32 and 51). Other psalms speak about suffering injustice at the hands of others (Psalms 10 and 31). And many psalms speak of both (Psalms 25 and 119).

All the psalms speak of God, and reveal what He is like and what we need from Him, and how we express love for Him. The psalms are poetic, but they are not poetry; they are living examples given to teach us how to talk honestly with God about things that matter. Your relationship with a living Person is what sets the Bible’s approach to anger apart from self-help books, medications, and mind control. Being in relationship with the living God is what will gradually change your anger from destructive to constructive. 

5. What am I called to do? Your relationship with God will always lead you to your relationship with people. If you have gone through all these questions, then you don’t need a prescription that says, “Do A, B, and C.” Because you are in relationship with a living Person, there will be a living quality to your wisdom. 

Perhaps at the moment you complain about the waitress and cold coffee, you will realize, You know what? That was just so selfish. Lord have mercy upon me. And then you might even turn to the people you’re eating dinner with and say, “You know, my attitude really stunk there. I’m sorry.” And you should apologize to the waitress, too! Think of how that will make her day—a customer willing to treat her like a person, not just whine because of entitlement and self-righteousness. Then bring up the problem of the cold coffee in a reasonable way.

No one can write the script for you on how to deal with your anger. But every time you notice that you are angry, go through those questions. Then remind yourself of God’s message of love and mercy to you. As you keep going to Jesus with everything in your heart, you will notice that, step by small step, real change is happening.

Your willingness to be mastered by Jesus and to make following Him your first priority will allow you to imitate Him in expressing your anger in a redemptive way. Then your conflicts won’t end with slammed doors and hurt silences. Instead there will be a constructive back-and-forth dialogue that is colored by mercy and a desire for each of you to grow in God’s image. Your real, living relationship with the God who loves you to the utmost will allow you to grow in having real human relationships where the conflicts you have will become an opportunity for growth, understanding, and expressing the fruits of the Spirit.

© Copyright 2011 by FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.

Click here to read David Powlison’s entire article on anger, and here to see additional content on mental and emotional issues. We also offer a minibook by Powlison, Anger: Escaping the Maze, in our online store.   

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